Ten Years Later

TEN YEARS LATER

 

 

I looked and looked but never found

 

On the spring sweet grass of the Ooty Downs

 

A sign of the place where the horses ran -

 

Looked and sighed but could not discover

 

The narrowest path in the close green clover

 

Nor one rusty horseshoe to prove where they ran.

 

On open stretches in rides enchanted

 

The beat of our hearts too fast to be counted

 

We rocked to the canter and rose to the trot

 

While the sun beat down so golden and hot

 

And the grass was pounded and trampled away

 

But that was another, a happier day.

 

Now ten years later I stand and gaze

 

At the empty Downs in the summer haze

 

I see a ghost rider, he shouts "Ride On!"

 

Tears blur my eyes - when I blink he is gone.

 

Silly in the sunlight to cry like this

 

Silly to sigh now for all that I miss.

 

Lost horses, old friends, a long vanished season

 

I tell myself I must listen to reason

 

For that which is past can not ever come back

 

My life has been good, there is nothing I lack

 

Yet I long for those days that will never return

 

For all that I had then for ever I'll yearn.

 

 

 

Despair

The secret regions of my heart are filled with a strange unrest -

     making the harp strings of my soul strike discordant notes

     that send meaningless messages to my brain.

My eyes keep their eternal vigil on shabby crumbling milestones

     that flicker by with terrifying speed - shabby milestones

     that mark the countdown of my inane existence.

I look for you along the way but I know - I know

     that the roads I take

     are not roads that you would care to travel by.

So I hurtle around my own crazy orbit

     regardless of the cold bleak galaxies and vast spaces

     that surround me -

Not yet quite realising that I am lost - back where I began -

     filled with unrest -  striking discordant notes -

     hearing meaningless messages -

     and left blind by my futile vigil.

Blue Eyes

These were a few lines Zohra wrote for me - lines which I have treasured all these years.


Little did they care
when the wind blew her wild hair
   hither and beyond
with her blue eyes
into bare and barren arms
   'barsati' rooms
   with terraces you could grow gardens in
   or weep.

Her blue eyes showed fears
Her blue eyes held tears
   that could have filled those
   terraced spaces.

And they tore at her then
   into her then
   and left her -
          standing 'there'

THEN
   such a wispy thing
   with feeling
   and blue eyes that showed
all that happened - shouldn't have
   yet
she does not know she is more
   frail, more innocent
   then the poetry she sometimes
   cares to write.

I wonder
   if they know
   her beauty answers but today
   for tomorrow who will fill
      the deep vacancy
          yet
she understands the winds
that blow my thoughts
   her way
     like dust.

Only my feelings remain
   so perfect for her
   wispy 'thing'
   with blue eyes
   and feeling
   who says
   "i am content."

Sadisfied

I long for silence and for peace

Leave me alone world - I am happy on my own.

I do not need companionship -

I have thoughts and memories that comfort me

More than any companion could.

I do not need conversation

The wind whispers gently, trees rustle gently as I pass

Soft rain talks to me telling me all I want to hear.

I do not need sympathy -

The sun warms me, night envelops me

A butterfly kisses my cheek, fireflies caress my hair

And I  feel no sorrow,

Leave me alone world and let me live on

In silence and in peace.

Destiny

Destiny sat on her stellar throne
  in the furthest realms of the sky
    gazing into her crystal ball.
Sometimes with delight, sometimes with compassion
  she watched reckless mortals
    living lives and playing games
      with events over which they had no control.
Destiny saw a woman lean gently towards a man
  whispering to him that she loved him -
    saw the man react with surprise -
      he had never thought of her that way.
Destiny stretched pale, cold fingers
  into the silence of the night
    wishing she could deflect
      what she herself had written.
She saw the man look at the woman suddenly aware
  caught up in the web she tenderly wove around him
    loving her as he had never loved before.
Yet she belonged to another
  and they had no right
    to fantasise the way they did.
Reality became a nightmare
  as they loved with frenetic intensity
    on a path of self destruction
      they were much to blind to see.
Destiny kept vigil as they struggled to survive
  broken and tormented - paying a price too high -
    bound together always - never wanting to be free
Trying to accept that it was their Destiny.

Justice

I CHARGE YOU WITH -

MURDER - you killed my pride with one swift blow, leaving me vulnerable and defenseless.

KIDNAPPING - you snatched my will and kept it chained to your side, claiming a ransom of my 
                           desire.

ARSON - you started a fire within me that is burning fiercly with no signs of dying down.

TRESSPASS - you invaded my brain, my body and my soul - places that are usually kept well barred.

THEFT - you broke and entered, stealing my heart and my mind.

LET JUSTICE TAKE ITS COURSE

Trepidation

I have lived long enough not to ask questions

to which there are no answers -

I have lived long enough not to ask questions

whose answers I do not want to hear -

I live in fear of empty places

at the end of a journey -

I live in fear of darkness

beyond the curve of a lonely road -

I live in fear of silences

so deep and filled with menace

Where the only sound that reaches me

is the frantic beating of my heart.

I have lived long enough to know

that happiness is an illusion

And yet I live in fear of never finding it -

Even though I know it is a dream I pursue.



Regret

There was a time a million years ago
When I thought the moon and stars were mine alone.
I thought I could capture moonbeams in my hands
And hold them there forever.
Stars were mere playthings - sparkling toys -
Out of which I fashioned crowns and such.

Now a million years later -
I see the moon and stars so cold and distantly mocking -
And yet I might have had them today
If I had only known the value of moonbeams, stars and......love.

Maybe

MAYBE

Maybe if you could have known the girl-child

who grew up alone and laughed too little -

Maybe if you could have been there to help

when she was raped and torn and bleeding -

Maybe if you could have seen the child-woman

who dug at hope with bitten fingernails

and clawed people so they wouldn't claw first -

Maybe if you could have known

all the half people who were me

You wouldn't smile and call me silly

when I hold you close and say

You've made all the difference.

Cobwebs

I crave for solitude these days

To sort out the tangled cobwebs of my thoughts.

These fragile cobwebs, which frighten me so

Because I find I am inextricably caught

In their viscous grip.

Chains of iron I could have handled with ease,

But god, these silken fetters frighten me.

The Mask


THE MASK

They called me unpitying, ruthless, unnatural -

And I have smiled -

A smile so carefully cultivated.

It would not do to let the world see me

When I murmur softly to a dying puppy,

Gently stroking its tiny silken head

As the life light leaves its eyes.

Farewell

FAREWELL     

I awoke last night - (long after you had gone),

   to a strange but gentle touch.

I awoke to find Sorrow leaning over me -

   mystic, simple and yet so strong.

I felt no fear, he was a friend of sorts

   and through the years I had grown accustomed to his presence.

I asked him what he wanted of me

  and caressing my cheek he whispered low -

"I have come to bid you farewell, my friend,

   my time with you is spent.

We have shared many dark years, my friend,

   but now sleep on and be content."